


One of those days

by Anonymous



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, I projected a lot, M/M, References to Depression, Viktor centric, angsty, this is pretty self indulgent bc I was feeling sad and I wanted to write about a sad character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:26:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Viktor muses about his life before Yuuri and Yuuri's impact on his life.





	One of those days

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of experimental for me ? I’m trying to write everyday/more regularly and writing about feeling lonely as I was feeling really lonely seemed like the easiest route :’)  
> Mayhaps I should learn to feel alive without having to have any sort of interaction with my friends but in the meantime writing fics about it should do !  
> I hope you’ll enjoy still !

Most people would think Yuuri is the one who still cannot believe that he got to marry Viktor Nikiforov. It makes sense. Not a lot of people actually get to marry their idol. And yes, sometimes Yuuri finds himself in awe at the fact that Viktor is there, with him, doing the most mundane things.  


But what most people don't know, is that Viktor is the one who falls asleep still not really understanding how he got to marry Yuuri. Sometimes, every day of the week. 

Because Viktor didn’t really know when, but at some point, his life before Yuuri turned into a monotonous, aimless routine. A life he felt the need to escape from, constantly.  


Only when Yuuri lit up his life again did Viktor realize how dark it had gotten.

* 

Viktor loves his friends, he really does. But he also knows they cannot fill the gap he feels in his heart. He doesn’t expect that from them either. He enjoys every moment he gets to spend with them, every ounce of the happiness he gets from those. But it’s always so fleeting.  


Viktor always goes right to bed after saying goodbye to a friend, and when they stay over and leave the next morning, Viktor busies himself in order to drown the emptiness of his house and the loneliness he feels now that it’s just him and Makkachin again.  


He tries to stay away from pointless scrolling on his phone and television watching and tries to channel his energy on something somewhat useful. He choreographs new routines, trying to translate his loneliness into a dance. Those are routines that no one will ever see.

Yuri stays over for a few days sometimes and even if they bicker every day and Yuri complains about how much Viktor sucks at every game they play, Viktor knows Yuri is trying to be here for him, and he knows he would listen if Viktor wanted to talk. But Viktor never does that. He doesn’t want to bother his loved ones with his problems. He doesn’t even know what is wrong with him so he doesn’t expect anyone to understand either. And sometimes, Viktor just doesn’t want to be vulnerable in front of his friends too.  


So, instead of pouring his soul out to Yuri, Viktor focuses on pampering him and making him feel welcome and safe in his house. Deep down, Viktor wishes Yuri would someday ask if he could move in and Viktor wouldn't hesitate to say yes.

* 

But creating routines and going out with Makkachin sometimes is not enough, and he has “one of these days” more and more often. 

On some days, he just wants to stuff his face with unhealthy food, dismiss any kind of eating rule and just eat at whatever time of the day he pleases. But he's a professional athlete and he knows he has been following a set diet for so long, his body will feel awful if he does that. He has tried it once, eating a bunch of pizzas and chips at random hours. He distinctly remembers the nauseated feeling the next morning, and the thought, clear, that he would never do that ever again.  


On those days, this restriction feels like just one more reason to give up on everything. 

* 

Viktor knows when sleepless nights are coming.  


Those days are a cruel paradox. He feels the dread at the thought of going to bed slowly creep in from the early evening. It's a feeling he still doesn't really understand. He guesses he just doesn’t want to fall asleep because he doesn't want to wake up and have to live the next day.  


What it does though, is make his evenings gloomy and even sadder than he already feels. Really, it’s not like he doesn’t know that the next day is going to be just fine. He does know that but on those evenings, reason doesn't always win. And thus, when it's time to fall asleep, he ends up spending hours staring at the ceiling.  


He thinks a lot, too much. He thinks about all he’s done wrong in his life. About how he doesn’t deserve any of the people in his life. He thinks about how, maybe, he deserves to feel so terrible.  


The thought that seems to always come back somehow, is that maybe, it’s time for him to halt his professional career. He knows a lot of people will talk about it, a lot of people will criticize him. But he thinks this doesn’t matter much because he’s fairly certain the people around him think it’s time for him to stop too. Or he guesses so, seeing as no one ever truly congratulate him anymore every time he wins a gold medal. Viktor hates that he needs outside validation so much but it’s so hard for him to consider any of his wins as something special if no one else thinks it is. How is he supposed to feel proud of himself if no one else is proud of him ?  


It makes him sad that his efforts aren’t really recognized anymore. And then, he thinks maybe they’re not because he’s not trying hard enough, maybe he’s not doing enough. Maybe he got complacent and he stopped trying without even realizing. So he tries harder, he tries making new, unpredictable programs every time. The process seems to drain him of his creativity and energy a bit more every time. He knows it’s for the best though, so he keeps going. But the result always ends up being the same : he wins gold and it feels less and less special every single time.  


On those suffocating nights, he realizes that he can’t go higher than gold. And he wonders who he is even winning for, if not for himself. 

Most nights, he cries himself to sleep, and the next day isn't just fine. His eyes are burning and his stomach feels heavy.  


He knows it would have been just fine if had simply tried to fall asleep earlier but it’s too late, so he has to suck it up and try not to do the same thing again.

 

It never really works, it seems. As much as he tries to convince himself he just has to go to bed and the next day will be okay, he always succumbs to the irrational fear of having to stay alive for one more, meaningless day. But he can bear with it, the burning eyes and twisting stomach. 

And then, one night, somehow, it gets worse. It starts as a normal lonesome night. Viktor tosses and turns in his bed, alternately pushing away his bed sheets and covering himself in it, feeling too hot but wishing somebody was right next to him anyway. When Viktor glances at the clock, he learns that it’s 2am. It’s not unusual, but frustrating still. So he closes his eyes, trying to fall asleep for the ninth time of the night. And then, in the dark behind his lids, he sees light, a shapeless form, scary nonetheless and Viktor has to open his eyes because it looks like this thing is about to hurt him. His open eyes struggle to adjust in the dark, feeling like the shapeless thing is there, everywhere and Viktor feels his chest tighten. He hasn’t been afraid of the dark since he was 6 and he doesn’t understand what is happening or why he’s even crying but he knows he has to get up from this bed, he has to turn the light on. His feet get tangled in his bed sheets and it feels like an eternity before he can get out and scurry to the light switch. He presses on it with more force than necessary and slowly lets himself fall to the ground, tears pouring from his eyes as a few sobs escape his lips. He curls up on himself, holding onto his legs as if it were an anchor and lets himself cry. Makkachin is next to him, whimpering and Viktor thinks he lets one of his hands stroke her fur. He isn’t quite sure.  


He doesn’t know how long he stays this way, he doesn’t know when he tentatively gets back into his bed and tries to fall asleep again, this time, with the lights on. He doesn’t remember even falling asleep but he apparently did since he woke up the next day around 12pm.  


Viktor can’t - nor wants to - remember the last time he slept so late into the day. He feels awfully slow and heavy despite sleeping this late and he’s really glad it’s a sunday so he doesn’t have to show up at the rink like that. He hopes what happened the previous night was just a one time thing, but unconsciously, he’s already dreading having to go to bed that night. 

As it turns out, this isn’t a one time thing. It takes three more nights before Viktor seems to be able to fall asleep anywhere before 4am and doesn’t need to leave his lights on to do so.  


Viktor understood the importance of sleep for the normal human but it always felt more like a chore than a relief to him. After all, we could be doing so much more if we didn’t need to sleep, he always said. But by the third day he spent deprived of a good night sleep, Viktor starts to feel his sanity slowly fade away. He now understands why we need to sleep.  


He tries to pretend it isn’t a big deal every time one of his rinkmate comments on his dark circles or a friend tells him that he sounds tired. They seem to let this go, most likely thinking he is just working on a new routine.  


His friends stop pretending they aren't worried after his third chaotic night when Yuri asks Viktor if he wants him to stay at his house for a few days and Viktor turns him down. He does it with a smile and goes back to practicing right after but Yuri stays rooted on the spot for a few more minutes.  


Viktor is aware he never refused company and he knows maybe he should have just accepted but he’s too scared of Yuri finding him in the middle of a panic attack. He doesn’t want to explain. If he pretends he doesn’t feel like death, maybe it’ll go away.  


Viktor fears one of his friend is still going to try and make him talk, but when he doesn’t hear anyone knocking at his door by midnight, and none of the messages he receives are forcing him to talk, he realizes they’re letting him come to them if needed.  


As grateful as he is for it, he cannot help the slight disappointment he feels. He feels like, maybe, they just don’t care that much. 

That night is his last anxiety-ridden night in a row. He’s still really relieved when he receives his light-night in the mail. 

*

At some point, on those days, he gives in and starts turning to his phone for a source of distraction. It doesn’t fulfill its purpose for so long and then Viktor finds that even the internet cannot distract him long enough to forget how awfully empty he feels. Even youtube's recommendations and the most clickbait videos don't manage to keep his attention for more than a few minutes.  


Even watching other skaters doesn't inspire him anymore.

That is, until Yuuri.

* 

Viktor sees Yuuri's video on one of those days, the ones he wishes were over at 10am. And it changes his day. His life also.  
He has a plane ticket for two days from there.

Despite what Yakov says about him, he goes and doesn't look back. Maybe he is selfish, but maybe, sometimes, that's what you have to do to survive. Yakov doesn't know that everyday takes up a bit more of his energy, that everyday leaves him wondering why he is even alive. 

* 

Yuuri isn’t like any of the few crushes Viktor developed on the past years. He’s not fleeting. He’s not a fantasy. He’s not a thought Viktor felt like holding onto just to feel something, anything.  


Yuuri is real and he finds, so much more like him than he could have imagined. And when, one time, Viktor has to quell Yuuri’s anxiety, he _understands_. He doesn’t know what to do, because he never knew how to calm himself, but he understands.  


Later that day, when Viktor opens up for the first time in years, he knows not to be ashamed of the tears streaming down his face. When Yuuri quietly listens to him, a reassuring hand on his, when Yuuri holds him tight, a hand gently caressing his hair, that’s when he knows he fell in love. 

* 

Slowly, Viktor knows Yuuri is changing his life. Everyone around him knows it too. And that's why, despite Viktor always being all over Yuuri, despite them loving each other so much it hurts to look at it, none of Viktor's friend ever makes fun of it. They know Viktor feels a bit more alive again and they're thankful towards Yuuri.  


The only person who is oblivious to his impact on Viktor's life is Yuuri himself. Viktor doesn't feel like telling him, because he doesn't want Yuuri to feel pressured to be there, always. But he tries his best to always show him how much he loves him. 

* 

Unfortunately, having Yuuri in his life just cannot shoo away every one of his bad thoughts. 

On some days, even the most unimportant things will make him doubt himself. Scrolling through instagram always makes him feel worse. He likes seeing his friends happy, but he always end up on his own profile, looking through his pictures and wondering in how many of them he's actually happy. He hasn't felt the need to post a picture since Yuuri and him came back to St Petersburg and he thinks that maybe, now that he actually feels happy again, he doesn't need to pretend to be anymore. 

But even then, some days are too hard.

Sometimes, he doesn't even have the strength to take Makkachin out, even if he knows she needs it and he would benefit from some fresh air too. But on those late mornings where he just wants to sleep the rest of the day off and try again the next day, everything feels like an hardship.  


Yuuri will always know when that is, and he would say, "I'll take Makkachin out. Get some rest." And he would plant a kiss on Viktor’s forehead, and he would smile, and Viktor would smile back. Most days, Viktor cries right when he hears the front door close. Sometimes, he just falls asleep.  


But those days are the worst, they're the ones that remind him that he can't even take care of the two beings he loves most and he always hates himself for it. Those are the days he remembers why he'd be better off alone. The days he remembers why he was always so sure he would never deserve someone like Yuuri. 

Yuuri always comes back at the right time to stop those thoughts and he stays with him until Viktor feels like, at least, getting out of the bed again.

* 

Since Yuuri moved in, those days are steadily decreasing. Yuuri hasn’t fixed him - how he wished it were so easy - but his constant presence plays a big part in how much more Viktor actually enjoys being alive.

**Author's Note:**

> On a less depressing note, I rewatched YOI with a friend and we realized the innuendo in Chris’s words when he said “you always come too early” to his boyfriend (??) and we just about died.
> 
> Anyway ! Thank you for reading to this point ! I hope you enjoyed !


End file.
